Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
