How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
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