I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just found puke in my bra..
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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