I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
