New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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