it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
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I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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