I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
