New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
