she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
