I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
