You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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