so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
