I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He better not be in your backpack
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
