I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
