How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
