thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
