Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
