I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
