i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
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the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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