I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
