I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
