dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
