I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Sext me about skeletons
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
