I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
