Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
