Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
