i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
