rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
