Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
