I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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