I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
