At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
