saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
