I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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