My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
