The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
