my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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