I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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