Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
