Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
sex in a hospital.. check
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
