he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
