Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
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a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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