this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
