it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
