gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
