I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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