your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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