hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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