Will you blow on my dice?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
