hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
