Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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