So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Pants are for mortals
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
