I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
