Well apparently he's into motor boating.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
