It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
