I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dignity is for republicans.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again