I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sex in the backyard? Check.