True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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