I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
