we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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