Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Randomize
